duhpursuit

When I was a kid I had a lot of alone time. I’d like to say this has changed, but then I’d be a liar, and that’s not any fun when everyone knows about it. Not much has changed.

I wasn’t too big on Barbie, but I had one or two of her clones. And by that I mean that I had a couple of dolls that they came in a box that called them “Barbie” but I always suspected that the true Barbie was somewhere trying on new outfits and giving advice to her maker.

What. And you’re not fucked up?

Of course this also meant that they were renamed something less iconic, like Jennifer and Melissa. They were always arguing about who was who.

In other news, I’m pretty sure that the Imposters spent a lot of time brushing their hair, trying on different outfits, and using their spare time to boss “Ken” around to throw off the scent. At some point the duo got a hair cut and a red Ford Mustang with shiny rims and an AM/FM radio. The Ford, as you might imagine, was a constant source of argument. She-Ra tended to sort things out since she was armed. It’s hard to argue with a woman carrying a sword.

Also, She-Ra is kind of a freak. If you ever watched the cartoon you might have noticed this. The girl didn’t crack a smile or gasp for breath or anything–just the same stolid blue stare. Any woman who claims to own a flying horse, prefers to talk to strange animals in the woods instead of combing her hair, and doesn’t bat an eyelash at her tanned and muscled brother baking his “famous spice cake”, is clearly a little “off” and thus not someone to fuck with.

But… how did you know?

Plus, I’m pretty sure she and He-Man had some kind of incestuous love triangle going on with Skeletor (whose name gives an entirely hilarious, although predictable meaning to “bone”), so she could be pretty persuasive about sharing.

Sister? But I never had a sister?

While She-Ra clearly out-ranked Barbie on the weapons count, Cat-Ra could kick her ass by default due to her black leather oufit, which included a mask and a whip. Although I pretended to like She-Ra better, Cat-Ra secretly won my heart. Bad girls always get me.

Once you’re a Jem girl, you’re never the same…

Jem and the Holograms

Not to be outdone, Barbie joined the band. After all, bandwagon and Barbie do both start with ‘B.’

Barbie and the Rockers

Apparently, however, none of this is entirely new and has some obvious origins in the following…

Rock Flowers

That’s all for now kids. Until next time, remember to eat your vegetables when Mom brings them to the table. And if she’s got a whip or a long hard weapon in her pocket, remember to say, “Yes, m’am!”